I was around 8 years old when my family separated. I still remember my parents sitting me down and asking me to choose which parent I wanted to go with. Naturally, I wanted both however, this was not possible as my mum was leaving town.
I remember the day we left, a little bit of the time between getting our own place and snippets of my new school, home and new friends. A whole new life.
It was short-lived. We moved again. I understand now, my mum did what she needed to keep us safe and raise us. It was Mum, my older sister and me. As any child would be, I was excited about moving and wanted to go. I spent my whole childhood in Tom Price with my mum, sister and stepdad. Naturally, I hated being so far away from my Dad. I hardly got to talk to him and only got to see him once a year, being a plane ride away. I would receive letters that were too short and not nearly enough phone calls. As a child, I didn't understand why and I would question this where I would start to believe it was because of me (maybe he just didn't want to talk to me). The letters would always say Im thinking of you and phone calls would always say I Love you, however, actions speak louder than words. The lack of always left me feeling like those words weren't true and somehow I wasn't good enough. These feelings grew over time. I remember having some counselling. However, I don't remember anything about the sessions or if they were helpful.
After a few years, my mum remarried and along came more siblings. A younger sister and then a brother. My stepdad also had a son who didn't live with us (stepbrother).
I remember my mum being in charge of the discipline while we were younger and my stepdad being included when we got older. I remember yelling "You are not my dad" when he tried to tell me off, my sister reacted much the same. We made it hard. I found it difficult being older (10 years older) than my siblings. Naturally, little kids had so many toys and clothes because they would grow quickly. I felt left out and unloved, adding to my feelings of being unloved and not good enough.
It was hard going home (back to dads) for the holidays. My home was now someone else's. My room was no longer my own. I visited and felt like a stranger. As time moved on, so did my dad. A new partner who also had a child. I felt like an outcast. Where did I belong? I always felt like an extra. The life I knew was gone and my dad was never the same. As an empath, not only could I see, but I also felt the pain he carried and as a child, I didn't understand this. This was hard when the holidays were over and it was time to go home. I felt like I had no one to share these feelings with and I bottled them up and safely stored them somewhere in my body (probably my heart).
In addition, there were random things to consider growing up between houses. Different rules at different houses. One house had more rules, and one was more relaxed and I found it difficult to understand why. Also, being so far away meant important events were missed such as school graduation where I would look around and see everyone else's families gathered around and feel that part of mine was broken and missing. Some gatherings were difficult because my family didn't get along and found it difficult to share space. I felt like the ham between the sandwich when sometimes I just wanted it to be about me. It wasn't all bad. There were also some bonuses such as extra presents and double the number of relatives at gatherings. Or two celebrations instead of one for the same event.
What I found helpful
* Hugs, lots and lots of hugs
* Making special memories
* 1 on 1 time
* Being included
* Not bagging the other parent
In conclusion, as a child growing up with divorce, I found it difficult to find my place. Naturally, there are other factors that played a part in how I was feeling. Everyone perceives things differently and I can only speak for my own journey and how I was feeling. I hold no blame or judgement about my experience, only learning.
I would love to know about your experience growing up in a split family in the comments below.
If you would like to learn more about how I can support you please send me a message or book a session through the links provided below.
Remember - It takes a village x
Comments