How many times have you heard yourself say it? I know I told myself that story so many times. Especially when I was carrying more weight.
When I look at the above picture, I don't recognise myself. Not just because I was carrying 30 kilos more, but also because I was unhappy, I was depressed and I didn't feel worthy. I did not feel good enough at my Job, at being a parent, wife, or friend. I would resist trying new things out of fear of failure because I "knew" I wasn't good enough. I truly believed this and experienced anxiety I tried to hide from the world because I felt like a failure and again "not good enough" for not being strong enough. It was like a vicious circle.
Not only was I experiencing hidden deamond's, people would treat me differently, and strangers didn't look at me and smile like they do now. I found it hard to get clothes to fit me, I certainly didn't get to choose what I liked, I just had to wear what fitted. What style? I felt like I didn't belong because I didn't fit the mold society told me I was supposed to be. The box was created to fit us all in and god forbid we don't fit in that box.
I had to deal with people telling me I was fine and the next person telling me I wasn't. It was confusing and degrading all in one. I tried diets, many many diets and they only failed confirming what I already "knew" "I'm not good enough". How did the diet stand a chance when I had so little belief in myself to start with? I believe I self-sabotaged so "it didn't work" rather than me actually failing at something else.
Also, my weight wasn't the only factor in why I didn't believe in myself. An Absent parent, relationship breakdowns, and school struggles to name a few, all contributed to my experience and only made those beliefs stronger.
How did I break the cycle?
Tip #1 - I enrolled in my diploma
When I completed my diploma, with distinction it made me think "Maybe I am good enough". This gave me such a huge sense of achievement and I started to believe in myself. My point here is to do something you have always wanted to do. You don't know unless you try.
Tip #2 - I took a chance
I found what worked for me, and started my weight loss journey. I wont recommend anything as I believe it's trial and error and you have to find what works for you and you have to be ready. Weight loss, in my opinion, is about mind, body, and soul. When I started to lose weight i started to feel better about myself, I started moving and I just generally felt happier. If you are happy being bigger, that is ok. As long as you are happy, don't let anyone tell you you aren't perfect the way you are.
"Weightloss doesnt begin in the gym or with a dumbbell. It starts in your head with a decision".
Toni Sorenson
Tip #3 - I threw caution to the wind and I enrolled in my Social Work degree.
This was one of the most scariest decisions of my life. Every part of my calling wanted to do this degree, however, every part of me was screaming "You're not good enough". Through my degree, I learned so much about myself and the world we live in. Why I think the way I think and how I can challenge that. It challenged me in ways I never thought possible and it felt like childbirth to me, the only ending was the end of the labor and they delivered the baby (certificate to me). I pushed and pushed until the end. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
When you do something you love and you're passionate about it will always show.
" Do what you love and you will never work a day in your life".
(Author unknown).
Tip #4 - Healing
Little did I know at the time but I started my healing Journey with some friends who were practicing Reiki and other healing modalities. I will always be grateful to them for opening the door to my healing journey and for my soul for giving it a go. I didn't know what healings were at the time, I just went along to give it a go. The rest is history...
In closing "I'm not good enough" is a strong core belief that is embedded in everything we do. I still struggle with this belief and have to challenge it and keep it in check all the time. My advice to you is "Be afraid and do it anyway".
What have you got to lose?
"I am and you are enough"
Love and light - always Jodi x
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